I'm having a mental breakdown
9 years ago, I made the decision to pursue my dreams in a foreign country, living far away from my family. All these years, although I get to live the life that l've always dreamed of, deep inside I'm always burdened by guilt for not being able to spend more time with my mom and my best friend. I never stopped thinking whether I did the right thing in leaving home for this new venture every day.
To be honest, I always avoid talking about my deepest feelings, worries and fears to anyone. I always try to hide it and put up a strong image infront of everyone, I want them to believe that I'm strong, I'm capable, and I'm independent. Well by myself, also by having that kind of mindset, it's one of the main reasons how I manage to live independently for so long.
I've been pushing myself and working like crazy lately, and it's not because I love to work or I'm too ambitious. Everything it's because I'm trying to distract myself from not thinking about certain things. I'm worn out, sad, depressed, I barely have enough sleep recently, my body is exhausted, and my mind and mental are worse. My life took a very dark turn but I'm happy it did.
Through these experiences, I was able to learn and grow as a person. It obviously sucked in the moment but when you look back, it was something that was meant to happen. I mean, everything happens for a reason. I was able to find my passion and purpose in life that I would have never expected to find – at least so soon. I met so many great people who brought such positivity in my life and I'll forever be grateful for that.
I often struggle with opening up, talk about my problems to people because I know there's no use of complaining, or talk about it. At the end it's my problem I'm the only person who can solve it anyway, I also don't want others to worry about me. Being on the social media is the hardest to be honest. I have to constantly keep updating about what I do, thinking what I am gonna do, how I'm gonna act infront of people while deep inside I feel like shit. Fulfilling my families requests at the same time receiving judgements and criticisms from them everyday.
Sometimes I really just want to scream and let everybody knows that I'm tired, stressed "I'm not okay" "I'm not in the mood for this, not in the mood to please anyone" "Just leave me alone". But there's no way I can do that, I'm not trying to blame anyone, I'm not complaining about my life, my family or work as well, I just think that I need to let you know I'm having a mental breakdown, I'm struggling, I'm having a hard time. I'm incapable of pleasing or help anyone.
Of course, I won't be able to make it this far if it wasn't for husband's continuous support, love and encouragement. When I face problems, what keeps me calm and positive all the time besides knowing that my husband and friends will always be there for me is I believe "there's always a solution to every problem" as long as I'm not giving up, there's always a hope. I will keep looking for ways until solve the problem. If plan A doesn't work, try plan B, if B doesn't work, try plan C or D etc.
Recently I also learned that there are things in life that no matter how hard you try, there's a limit to it and sometimes there's nothing you can do but to accept it. At times like this, it also makes me realize how I should appreciate every little things in life in order for me to keep going on. Always remember that it is the small things in life which make it worth living. Once we missed everything, once those things that we have today were gone out of the blue, we will regret not looking and appreciating it when we still have it. Don't forget to be thankful for what you had, and be grateful for what you have. Please treasure people around you and show them how much you love them, how much they mean to you while you still have the chance.
3 Comments
I like the example you have given to be grateful about the little things we get ... no matter how small we are, we must be grateful.
ReplyDeleteAnd good at managing the fortune that can be as good as possible.
Greetings from Indonesia.
thank you!
DeleteThank you for this honest post. Nowadays, with so much pressure from everywhere (may it be in IRL or social media), it's so easy to get bogged down for sure. I've had many periods where I'm just mentally in a dark place that if it wasn't for the support of others, I honestly don't know where I'll be right now. Like you said, we have to be grateful for everything we have:)
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment, I appreciate it! Your support means everything to me and I will try and reply as soon as possible!